WHO AM I?
From Hollywood Lights to Life’s Deeper Meanings:
A Cinematic Journey of Healing and Discovery
Like many of us, I grew up with dreams. For me, it was Hollywood. Enchanted by the blockbuster movies of the 1970s and 1980s, I spent my childhood imagining a life behind the camera. Movies weren’t just entertainment; they were a way to capture something real—wonder, emotion, adventure. Armed with library books and a Super 8mm camera, I poured everything into the belief that I was destined to tell stories that could move people. But life, as it often does, had other plans...
My Story
Sometimes, the paths we imagine for ourselves are dramatically altered by events beyond our control. I know that feeling well. A tragic family accident, toxic work environments, and deeply personal struggles—including a devastating encounter with Narcissistic Personality Disorder—shattered my carefully constructed plans. But through it all, I discovered something I hadn’t expected: hidden within the pain were profound insights about resilience, identity, and the capacity to rebuild.
My journey became less about chasing a dream and more about learning who I truly was beneath the surface.
Super 8 filmmaking in the heat of an 1982 Arizona summer.
From an early age, I was captivated by storytelling. Movies gave me a lens to understand the world, to find beauty in the complexities of human experience. Growing up in Scottsdale, Arizona, with only library books and a cheap Super 8mm camera, I was determined to break into the film industry. My path seemed clear: I’d go to Los Angeles, make my mark, and live the dream I had nurtured since childhood.
After my first year at the University of Kansas, I took what seemed like my first real step toward that dream. I landed a summer job in Los Angeles on a low-budget horror film, Vampire at Midnight. With that experience, it felt like everything was falling into place.
But life can change in an instant. Three days after I returned home, I received a phone call that would forever alter my course. My parents had been in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. My mother suffered traumatic brain injury, and my father was unconscious. In a moment, my world collapsed.
My father seeing the car for the first time since leaving the hospital after several weeks.
At nineteen, I found myself thrust into an unfamiliar role—trying to hold my family together while mourning the loss of the life I thought I was building. My mother, once a vibrant teacher who inspired her students and changed lives, never fully recovered. She endured constant seizures and profound memory loss. Seeing someone you love become a shadow of who they once were is a heartbreak many can relate to. It changes you. It forces you to reevaluate everything—your priorities, your dreams, even your sense of self.
Despite the overwhelming pain, I pressed on. I moved back to Los Angeles and threw myself into the film industry. For a while, I felt like I was living my dream. I was working amongst A-list talent, surrounded and inspired by high-level creativity and opportunity. But beneath it all, I carried the weight of unresolved grief. My mother’s suffering and my brother’s sense of isolation back home haunted me. That guilt and turmoil led me into a cycle of self-sabotage—something I now understand is a struggle many of us face when we feel undeserving of the good things in our lives.
Working at Universal Studios as an assistant editor at 21 year of age.
Working as a 1st Assistant Camera Operator on a commercial
By my late twenties, I was lost. My career was in disarray, my personal life was crumbling, and I felt disconnected from everything I once loved. Seeking answers, I turned away from filmmaking and delved into the study of brain injury, the mysteries of memory, and alternative healing practices. I also explored mythology, religion, and psychology, hoping to make sense of my pain. In those studies, I found pieces of myself I had long ignored. I learned that even in our darkest moments, there is potential for growth and understanding.
Eventually, a chance encounter with a friend pulled me back into filmmaking. I rediscovered my passion at Artisan Entertainment, working on indie films like The Blair Witch Project and A Stir of Echoes. Later, Lionsgate acquired Artisan, and my career expanded rapidly. I found myself working again with the biggest talent in the industry on blockbuster films like The Hunger Games, John Wick, and La La Land. It was everything I had once dreamed of. But the reality of success felt hollow. I was achieving what I thought I wanted, yet something inside me was missing.
At the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
Overseeing the "Killers" premiere at the Arclight Hollywood
After two failed marriages, the second involving years of emotional abuse tied to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I hit rock bottom. Those years nearly broke me. I began to understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol, and even end their lives. The confusion and pain feels like an inescapable dark trap.
But in that breaking, I found something valuable: the courage to rebuild. The journey back wasn’t easy, but it taught me that our worth isn’t determined by our worst moments or by how others have treated us. It’s in how we choose to move forward.
By the time I turned fifty, my mother had passed away, finally free from her thirty years of suffering. After fulfilling her wish to have her ashes scattered in the Seine in Paris, something she had always told us when we were kids, I embarked on a personal journey. I traveled to Iceland, a landscape that mirrored the liminal space I felt inside—a place between the person I had been and the person I was becoming.
Paris: Saying goodbye in the most meaningful way I knew.
Iceland: In the raw elements
Standing before the massive Skaftafell Glacier
Eventually, I returned to work, facing a growing toxic environment where abusive, bullying behavior mirrored my past experiences. This time, however, I drew strength from what I had endured and found the courage to confront it. Standing up to that toxicity marked a turning point, showing me that the strength I’d cultivated could finally make a difference, not just for me, but for others around me.
Then the Covid-19 pandemic hit, halting the intense work schedule and granting me a period of solitude and rest. I reconnected with myself through books, yoga, and meditation, rediscovering a sense of wonder and purpose that had been buried under years of stress and routine. This stillness reminded me that sometimes, the only way forward is to pause and reflect.
During this time, a shift occurred. Random moments—a thunderstorm, a song, a street sign—started to hold deeper meaning, as if the universe itself were speaking. Daily life began to feel like a tapestry of symbols and metaphors, each moment pointing toward something larger, something meaningful. It was a profound reminder that our stories are always unfolding if we take the time to pay attention.
Thanksgiving sabbatical in a Navajo 'hogan' at Monument Valley, Arizona
Sedona, Arizona where I spent some of my childhood.
Exploring Monument Valley in the winter.
Compelled to give this newfound awareness my full attention, I left my Hollywood dream behind for a long-term sabbatical. I gave my notice at the studio, gave away most of my belongings, and packed the rest into storage. I said goodbye to friends and colleagues and backpacked around the world for most of 2022. I put all my focus on yoga teacher training retreats, experienced new techniques in meditation, and incredibly difficult, deep inner work. I faced a dark mirror that had been obscured for most of my life through feel-good behavior, holding onto my “Nice Guy” persona as a means of survival.
I realized I didn’t fully know myself as I believed I had. Something was bubbling up from the surface that I could no longer ignore. I knew if I didn’t identify the pushing and pulling mechanisms of my inner world, I would be a slave to them for the rest of my life. Living in an endless cycle of my past experience was no longer an option. I either conquered this now or suffered from voluntary ignorance.
A shirt I found while in Arachova, Greece that says it all.
During my travels, I met people from all walks of life, each carrying a unique story of resilience and growth. Some were younger than me yet wise beyond their years, shaped by experiences of unimaginable hardship and recovery. Other teachers appeared in unexpected forms—a striking landscape, a piece of art, an animal, a melody. Every encounter, every detail of my daily experience, seemed to come alive, offering me a new way of seeing and understanding the world around me.
Bali, April 2022: Early morning meditation at Bagus Jati north of Ubud
“From within or from behind,
a light shines through us upon things, and makes us aware that we are nothing,
but the light is all.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
At that point in my life, I had given up on love. After endless cycles of unhealthy, sometimes abusive relationships, I decided to set my standards so high that no one could possibly meet them, convincing myself I could be content living alone. I told myself that if my partner was out there somewhere, it was unlikely we’d ever meet—and I made peace with that. Strangely, this acceptance brought me a sense of comfort and freedom I hadn’t felt before. Little did I know that letting go would be the very thing that opened the door to love again.
In October 2022, Japan reopened to tourists, and I decided to revisit a country I had always loved. Two weeks into my trip, while standing outside a restaurant called The Ivy Place in Daikanyama, I met Tomoko. It wasn’t a grand, sweeping moment—just two strangers talking outside on a quiet evening. But something about her drew me in. We had dinner that night, a simple meal shared without expectation. Five hours later, we parted, both sensing that something profound had happened. Five months later, we were married.
Above the flowing Tama River in Okutama 奥多摩町
Looking back, it’s clear that letting go of the need to control or force things was what opened the door to something real. That’s one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned: sometimes, it’s in surrendering that we find what we were seeking all along.
Rediscovering Curiosity and Self-Empowerment
Throughout my journey, I’ve come to understand the profound importance of curiosity and self-awareness. These qualities can turn the mundane into the magical, helping us find purpose and joy in our everyday lives. My path has been anything but straightforward, filled with heartbreak, healing, and meaningful realizations that have reshaped my understanding of the world.
Today, I’m committed to helping others explore their own narratives. I believe that by sharing our stories, we not only make sense of our experiences, but we also give others permission to see themselves more clearly. Whether you’re navigating personal challenges, searching for meaning, or simply curious about what lies within, I’m here to offer my story as a mirror and a reminder: we all have the power to shape the narrative of our lives.
"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
— Eden Phillpotts, English Author and Playwright
If any part of my story resonates with you—if you see reflections of your own struggles, doubts, or hopes—I invite you to reach out. Our journeys may be unique, but the emotions we navigate are universal.
Sometimes, sharing our stories with someone who understands can bring clarity, healing, and a renewed sense of purpose. Whether you’re facing challenges, seeking meaning, or simply looking for someone to walk alongside you for a while, I’m here.
Let’s explore the journey together, and perhaps, in doing so, we’ll both discover something new.
CONNECT
I'm always looking for ways to help others find their center again. Let's connect and see what we can create together.